What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 02:05
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He knew the spot.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i lived it daily.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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She loved him until the end.
We all went to grammer schools
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i do to all so called friends.?
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why did the Greek city state never form an empire?
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She married twice! .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was scared of men, in general
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Comes on , in middle age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I have no regrets .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So, i spoilt her more .
So whats the point in blame.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My life is so biszare .
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.